Disclaimer: The following story is in no way intended to mock any person or body shape. It is meant for entertainment purposes only.

To say that Kenneth was short would be an understatement. A pony is short. A donkey is on the short side. Even a Great Dane can be considered short. Kenneth though was … well, he wasn’t exactly a dwarf, seeing that they are Norse mythological beings, but had he been a mythical creature, that label would have suited him to perfection.

In a pathetic attempt to compensate for his lack of height (and most likely also for being not so well-endowed), everything else about Kenneth was LARGE. He had an ear-splittingly loud voice; a booming laugh that often ended in a hyena-like cackle; a stocky body that displayed a bull neck and broad shoulders thinning down to a pigeon-toe walk. In fact, he strolled around with his arms held out slightly to his sides, his hands balled into fists as if he were about to engage a foe in battle. It made for an unexpectedly comical sight.

Kenneth was even large in his opinions, always dead set on having his say, forcing his beliefs onto others, speaking over anyone to simply get his way. He was truly an ass proud of his own braying.  It was therefore simply a matter of when and not if the Wheel would turn to crunch his hubris to dust. The “wheel” came in the form of Tessa, a mild-mannered admin clerk who joined the roofing company Kenneth worked for.

“So, you’ve been an admin clerk for twelve years, yes?” Shakira asked Tessa in her job interview. Shakira doubted that Tessa would be given the position, as she was extremely reticent and seemed painfully shy.

“Twelve years, four months and twenty-two days, to be exact,” Tessa answered, totally surprising the Human Resources Officer, but also making her see Tessa in a more favorable light.

“I see. And you left your last job … why?” Shakira now queried even though she already knew the answer. She always ensured that she contacted references before interviewing candidates to eliminate any unpleasant surprises.

“I had rearranged the filing system in a digitally, more efficient manner, using a software system I had personally designed, but the boss was very old-fashioned. He preferred their archaic method and since I hadn’t asked permission to reorganize their files, he was highly irate with me.”

Shakira knew all of this, but she was unprepared for the next revelation.

“I resigned on principle, but not before I had recreated their old filing system. His competitor heard about my program and bought it. His competitor’s company is now far more efficient and lucrative than his.”

This was news to Shakira, as the previous employer had claimed that he had fired Tessa for insubordination. Once again, Shakira was impressed. Five questions later, she knew she had to employ Tessa. The woman was simply a gem. Tessa started the very next week.

She was a single mom and since her divorce, which had been one of those ugly partings where the husband became nasty and reprehensible, portraying himself as the injured party and placing the blame of the marriage’s failure on Tessa, she had devoted herself entirely to her little girl. Consequently, she “let herself go”, gaining a few unwelcome pounds on her hips and thighs. Quite surprisingly though, her “fuller figure” was quite flattering. The curves she gained made her far more desirable in the eyes of many a man. Tessa was, of course, oblivious to her newly created, albeit accidental, sex appeal. When Kenneth laid lascivious eyes upon Tessa the first time, his male ego went into overdrive.

“Hi! Welcome, welcome,” he greeted Tessa in his customary bombastic manner, cornering the poor woman against the water cooler as she entered the building. “I’m Kenneth, the roof laborers’ Supervisor,” he added. “If you need help with anything, anything at all, I’m your man,” he stated in what was obviously and highly inappropriately a double entendre.

“Thank you. That’s very kind of you, but I need to get to my desk, so if you don’t mind, could you move, please?” Tessa responded.

“Sure, sure! No problem, Miss?” Kenneth said, leaving the word hanging to get Tessa’s name.

“Yes, it’s Miss,” she intentionally misunderstood Kenneth’s hint, walking unhurriedly to her desk. She didn’t look up to see Kenneth’s reaction, but had she done so, she would have seen a dark expression of displeasure clouding his gray-stubbled face. After looking for a few more seconds at Tessa, Kenneth left the office.

“And that is the office rooster you’ve just met. Hi! I’m Kay,” her co-worker introduced herself.

“Tessa. Is he always that loud?” she asked while she switched on the PC.

“Loud, opinionated, boorish and so much more. But you will discover all of that soon enough,” Kay stated.

Kay’s words were prophetic; early the next morning Kenneth barged into the office with a good morning bellow. At least, he thought he was barging in. In reality, he trotted in like an overfed rooster. He made a beeline for the kitchen where he started joking at the top of his voice with some of the other office workers. Tessa was making herself a cup of coffee when she found herself the target of Kenneth’s attention yet again.

“So,” he began innocuously, “do you exercise much? I offer workout sessions every day at work from one to two PM, and you’re welcome to join. It’s absolutely free!” he assured Tessa with a broad smile.

“No, thank you. I’ve never exercised a day in my life,” Tessa responded politely, then tried to move past Kenneth, who had obstinately himself squarely in front of her.

“I can see that, yes,” Kenneth replied with an utter lack of tact. “You could do with losing some kilos. It would make a world of difference to your appearance. You’d look like a new woman,” he carried on, incredibly insensitive and ignorant of how insulting he sounded.

Tessa stopped in her attempts to navigate past Kenneth. Instead, she took one step back to allow her to face him squarely.

The friendly banter between the other colleagues in the staff kitchen had silenced the second Kenneth had begun his unsolicited “advice”. Every eye was turned to the two combatants facing off; one: a curvaceous, full-figure; the other: a diminutive, stocky narcissist. The atmosphere was pregnant and electrified with suspense. Each person expected bolts of lightning to sizzle through the air at any moment. Some of those in the kitchen fervently wished they could be somewhere, anywhere else, but they had become a captive audience.

And then the wheel crunched.

“Hmm, so you think I need to improve how I look? You assume you have the irrefutable right to dictate to me how my own body should look? You take your poop for brains and conjure up an image of me that you feel I should aspire to?”

Tessa turned each of her statements into a question, the better to emphasize her outrage, but Kenneth being Kenneth missed the bus completely.

“Now hold on just a minute,” he blustered. “You can’t tell me I have poop for brains. That’s just rude!”

A few of the spectators started to giggle while others wanted to exit the room RIGHT NOW! The way out was obstructed though by the puffed up Kenneth who now more than ever resembled a blowfish. His eyes were protuberant, his neck veins throbbed, throbbed, throbbed, while the short hair on his round head stood up like little spikes. Hence, the similarity to a fugu.

“What’s rude is you assuming like an ass that you can comment on my weight and not be called out on it. What’s rude is you thinking a female is too weak to stand up to your verbal bullying. What’s RUDE is body shaming me and thinking it’s absolutely acceptable; that I should, in fact, be grateful to you for pointing out my ‘flaws’. Well, Shorty, I’ve got news for you.”

Tessa paused to take a much-needed breath, but she was caught off-guard by the unexpected explosion of applause from her colleagues. There were seven others in the kitchen, but the way their applause thundered, it might as well have been seventy. Alongside the applause, laughter cavorted wildly, too. Kay was laughing so hard that tears were rolling down her cheeks. Kenneth stood in mute disbelief. He was still trying to compute Tessa calling him “Shorty”.

Having been distracted by the applause, Tessa was about to relinquish whatever else she had wanted to say to Kenneth, but then she changed her mind.

“Your ego is far too large for your physique. Learn to be humble, and consider the words you spill,” she continued. “You might have to pick them up and shove them where the sun doesn’t shine. Nobody’s perfect, but we’ve been created by a Perfect Being. Thus, if you mock any person, you’re mocking your Creator, who can squash you in a flash like a lowly bug. You get me? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to get back to my desk to start working,” Tessa said firmly before she moved towards Kenneth obstructing her.

He couldn’t move out of her way fast enough. As soon as Tessa had left the room, he marched out, arms held slightly away from his body, hands clenched tightly into fists, legs pumping like two pistons on steroids.

And the Wheel of Life kept on turning, now carrying along with it the tattered remnants of Kenneth’s shattered ego.

Two and a half months down the line, Tessa had settled into a routine, enjoying the work as well as the company of her colleagues. Kenneth predictably still acted like the cock of the hill, blissfully living under the misguided belief that he was God’s gift to women. With the exception of Tessa, of course. Her he gave a berth as wide as two unsunk Titanics placed side by side. Every other woman in the company was fair game to him.

“I still laugh when I recall the time you told that dweeb off,” Kay confided to Tessa one afternoon just before dismissal time. It was a Friday afternoon and they were allowed to leave an hour early. Kay was waiting for her husband Marshall to come collect her while Tessa was keeping her company. The two women had become instant best friends.

“Please don’t remind me about that day,” Tessa said, red-faced. “I really don’t know what came over me.”

“Righteous anger is what came over you!” Kay quipped and laughed heartily.

Right then Kenneth came around the corner from the garage lot. He had just parked the company van and was on his way to the office to submit the van keys to the security guard. Having only caught the words “righteous anger”, he promptly assumed they were talking about God.

“Yes, God’s anger can be righteous and dire, ladies. That’s why I say you should respect everyone, but especially men. God created Eve to please Adam, don’t forget that.” He completely missed the incredulous looks on both Kay and Tessa’s faces, and carried on with his diatribe.

“Adam sacrificed one of his ribs so that Eve could be shaped, but how did she repay him? By listening to the wicked whisperings of the serpent in the Garden, causing God to expel both of them in righteous fury. The only way women can redeem themselves in the Lord’s eyes is to serve men obediently, respectfully, humbly. Those women who think they are better than men – ”

“Have minds of their own, not poop for brains!” Tessa furiously interrupted Kenneth. “Are you seriously telling us that we should be subservient to the likes of you? You, who couldn’t find your own butt even if someone handed it to you? You, who can’t speak without sounding like the largest moron ever born? You, who disrespects every single person you’ve ever met, yet you dare talk about God and respect in the same breath?”

To both Tessa and Kenneth’s surprise, Kay suddenly piped up with, “Kenny, if I wasn’t a God-fearing woman, I swear I would’ve slapped you so hard right now that you would’ve needed an operation to set your stupid head straight on your shoulders again. Just be grateful that I’m not a violent woman, but don’t push it!”

“Listen here,” Kenneth began, only to be swiftly silenced by Tessa.

“No, you listen here. This is the twenty-first century, not the Dark Ages. This is a world in which women are heard, seen and admired, not one in which they must cower in front of a man, or bow down to him. If you weren’t aware of it, here’s a News Flash for you: sexism is inexcusable! If you truly believe the tripe you just spewed, go live in a cave somewhere. Let’s see how long you’ll survive without a woman. I bet you it wouldn’t even be an hour!”

Kenneth’s face was splotched with ugly purple patches of wrath. He felt that his blood was about to erupt from his veins or cook him alive. However, before he could react, Tessa doused his rage with a cold, hard fact.

“God gave the power to create life to a woman, not a man. If men are so superior, why can’t they give birth to children? All they do is carry the seed, but they must plant it within the body of a woman.”

With that, Tessa and Kay walked off with heads held high, while Kenneth experienced a moment of epiphanous clarity for the very first time in his life. Crunch! The Wheel had struck again.